Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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