I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
