My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
