my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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