Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
