He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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