Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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