What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
