You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm like, not good at living.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
