I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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