I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
