Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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