I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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