hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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