That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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