god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
