also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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