when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
