Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
