ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
