How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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