I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
