I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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