I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
