I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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