Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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