if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
