One girl and one boy is just not enough.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
