I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Panties = found
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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