drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
