I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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