While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize