hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
