Fine. I'll sleep in my office
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
