sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
