update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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