I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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