Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
