Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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