someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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