walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
