Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
this is an emotional support booty call
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize