The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
