Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
