He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
