whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I AM VODKA MAN
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
