You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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