There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
