I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
