Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize