You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
