I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
