I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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