Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
