I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
